Grown.

At twenty eight, I think I'm finally beginning to bridge the gap between who I was as a teen and who I am as an adult. I write about inner-child healing a lot and trust it has gotten me far, but that teenage me, the emo, the angry, the resentful, she's been needing extra lovin' and compassion these days as I enter a new phase of adulthood. I tend to isolate and seculde myself especially when my emotions are running high, only to return when I've calmed down but that could take days, weeks, months. It's a bad habit but it's how I coped growing up, locking myself away in my room and escaping whether that be through music or a book and as I got older, weed and alcohol. I would be remiss to exclude how I use food as a security blanket. I don't see myself ever not being greedy but moderation is the name of the game these days. Maturity...fun.

Knowing is one thing, doing is another. I know I need to be more transparent and honest about my mental health struggles and yet I have always found it easier for me to just take it all in stride. As the eldest sister I always felt that since I take care of everyone else, there isn't much room for me breakdown.  I could deal with it alone, I always felt I had. Late last year though, I had a big wake up call and knew that if I wanted to keep going, I had to do things that while easy for others, was always hard for me, like opening up and being vulnerable, communicating my feelings and having those uncomfortable, awkward conversations. My family and friends really rallied around me at such a low point for me, aw man, I'm so grateful ya'll have no clue! Felt like I was going through a storm I would never come out of, torrential downpour, flooding, no raft, no life vest and I can't swim. For months, after the worst of it, I moved back in with my family.

Coming back to Newark felt like a step back but really it put me in a position I had only dreamt of. For months I slept on the couch, then a futon in the living room, blessed enough to have family to again make space for me in their home. I was traveling to and from the city daily, waking up at 6 am just to get to the daycare on time. I will always stand by feeling that even though I was their teacher, they taught me more than I could ever teach them. Shanti love the kids! What I wanted more than anything at the time was an apartment and I couldn't do that with what they pay daycare teachers. I knew corporate was the only way I could get what I wanted, which was more than a place all to myself but the sense of stability and safety I had been longing for. I promised myself if I had to go back to what I could only describe as "soul crushing" work, I would have to at least move into my apartment by July in time for my birthday.

I moved into my place in April and whew chile, don't invite me no where, I pay rent now!

It has taken some getting used to, that's for sure. I miss hearing my Granny in the other room watching her court shows when I lived in Brooklyn, or having dinner with my family at the table when I moved back to Newark. What I miss most these days is annoying my little sister when I'm bored, a Facetime call isn't enough. It's just been God and I in this place, getting carried away. I've been cooking more than I used to, I promise you a stuffed pepper hate to see me coming, and have come to realize that every mess that is made is mine to clean up. Before I moved in that was what I was most excited for, cleaning, showering, lighting a candle and relaxing, in my shit! I've got a green couch I take naps on, a bright orange shelf holding all my candles and flowers, and a nice pink ottoman I use to eat dinner at on the kitchen island. Everything is mine, mine, mine, mine. I quite like it that way.

Before I moved out, my relationship with both of my parents was already in the midst of changing. I was learning to see them beyond being my "mom and dad," and began to see them as people. Though I'm not a fan of "they did their best," talks, I'm learning to forgive and give grace to two people who didn't have a guidebook. Not only do I love them greatly but after spending so much time with them I'm realizing, boy, am I an amalgamation of the two. I catch myself dancing like my mother and laughing loudly like my father. The more I get to know them as an adult, the more I learn about myself. I've taken on many of their little quirks and characteristics.

This Memorial Day weekend was probably my favorite of all time, so far. I got off of work at 1 pm and got treated to lunch by one of my coworkers. A steak on someone else’s dime? Why thank you! Then I went and met up with a friend over drinks in the city. We ended up a this little karaoke bar in the West Village. Now while I was busy singing both the harmonies and melodies, he was sangin’ down! It felt like my own personal concert. I love singing and connecting with people through music. We left the small private room and ran into a group singing out by the bar. I gave them an amazing rendition of “Moment 4 Life” by Nicki Minaj and he sang “I’ll Be,” by Edwin McCain then we were off on our way.

Saturday I stayed in all day and did absolutely nothing but scroll, eat and rest in bed and when I needed a change of scenery, the couch. I find myself feeling so guilty when I am doing nothing but I see often online that our ancestors didn’t have the luxury of resting, so I allowed myself to be “lazy,” in their name. Why leave out when my home has everything I need? Sometimes before I eat I’ll pray over my food and just give thanks to be put in the position I’ve yearned for. Makes me super emotional honestly and I can’t lie I have been letting the tears just flow! What I am wanting nowadays though is something to nurture. I am a caregiver at heart and before you say “well nurture yourself,” trust me, I am…I just want something else! I’ve been gifted a few plants but I have been telling anyone who would listen that I want a cat. I have to admit though there is something about the lingering smell of cat litter that gives me pause. I’m undecided. A dog is too close to a toddler and I’m not ready for a child.

Speaking of, on Sunday, I went to my dad’s house for Sunday dinner and my pregnant cousin came to visit. This life shit is getting serious. We’re all aging. What do you mean we’re the older cousins now? You having a baby? Huh?! She looked so beautiful and was glowing with her little bump. I love seeing pregnant women and always find myself asking them hundreds of questions. Maybe a little self serving because I do think to myself, when my time comes, what am I going to be like. Starting my own family? Ah! Scary, but also, aw. As the foodie that I am I had to ask my favorite question: what are your pregnancy cravings? She said she’d been craving salt and vinegar Pringles and apple juice. When my mother was pregnant with me and my siblings it was pizza with extra cheese, baked hard, sliced down the middle.

My Grandmother, Aunt and her children came over and honestly it felt like a scene from “Soul Food.” Growing up I always loved listening to my family discuss politics, both local and federal, conspiracies, current events and my absolute favorite, stories from their childhood. Not to mention, the spiritual gems I receive. The whole day was well needed. My sister bringing my niece over was the icing on the cake, she’s so small but so intelligent, funny, and unabashed. She does not rock with me but I’m giving her time to come round.

To know me is to know, I’m a chronic flake. We can make plans and when the time comes I am probably cancelling depending on what my week was like and the percentage of my social battery. I’m trying to stop being like this but it’s taking some time. When Monday came I felt I should stay in bed but I knew I promised my Mother I would go with her and the family to visit cousins from her paternal side. Puerto Ricans know how to throw a party! I got there, greeted faces that looked familiar to ours and filled my plate with rice and beans. The shots started flowing, I started hitting my two step and they even taught me a little salsa. I enjoyed myself to the fullest and got invited to other family gatherings.

It means so much to me that over a weekend I was able to get so many glimpses into what life has in store for me, especially in the next few months.

I’m knowing it’s time to buckle in and put my poetry book together, spend more time with family and friends and continue cultivating my village, and continue finding balance in all things.

Now that I’m acknowledging that I know, I must do.

Xoxo

Ashanti